Monday, June 18, 2018
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Saturday, July 31st, 2010
TEENAGE GIANTS AND CHICKS IN HOTRODS in the year 1965!!!!
Featuring "Faster Pussycat Kill Kill" and "Village of The Giants"
The Cheese:
Drunken Goat
Irish Cheddar with Whiskey
Double Creme Brie
Cheddar with Caramelized Onions
Honey Chevre
First we watched Faster Pussycat Kill Kill (1965)
This gem of a film is exploitation at it's finest. Very early Russ Meyer extravaganza that has the usual boobs/bimbo staples that made him famous, although this one is tame by comparison to his later efforts considering there's no nudity *shock* The plot goes a lil' something like this:
3 go-go dancers named Varla (the deliciously evil Tura Satana), Rosie (the faux-Italian accented-one-named-Haji) and Billie (blonde, dumb, skanky) head out to the desert for some post go-go dancing drag racing. They encounter a young couple (cheesetastic Ray Barlow, and nails-on-a-chalkboard-annoying girlfriend Susan Bernard) and decide to race. Shit happens, Varla gets angry and breaks the boyfriend's neck with her bare hands and leather clad leg killing him. Schreechy (which is what I will refer to the annoying girlfriend, since that's all that comes to mind when I imagine her voice) goes completely batshit, the girls fearing she will go to the police and have them arrested for murder, kidnap her, and take her to a creepy farmhouse and encounter it's Deliverance level creepy inhabitants.
There's the dumber-than-a-box-of-rocks son called simply "Vegetable" who the girls salivate over, the wheelchair bound old man who own the joint, and the other gas pump jockey son who is a weird hybrid of a low rent Steve McQueen and Jon Boy from the Waltons.
A bunch of other craziness goes down, the proverbial shit hits the fan, and everyone winds up dead, save for Screechy and Pump Jockey. Then it just....ends. Yep. That's what it does.
Classic Lines:
Billie: I'm of legal age for whiskey, voting and loving. Now the next election is two years away, and my love life ain't getting much better, so how about some of that one-hundred-percent!
***********************************************************************************
The Old Man: Women! They let 'em vote, smoke and drive - even put 'em in pants! And what happens? A Democrat for president!
***********************************************************************************
Varla: I never try anything. I just do it. And I don't beat clocks, just people! Wanna try me?
***********************************************************************************
Next up was Village Of The Giants (1965)
Loosely based on the HG Wells book "The Food Of The Gods", this "Teens gone naughty" genre, this awesomely bad movie features a very young Beau Bridges, the all blonde hair and teeth Joy Harmon, a very young, amazingly talented Toni Basil as a go-go dancer, a post-Opie, Pre-Richie Cunningham Ron Howard as simply "The Genius". He is a super nerdy scientific type kid who creates something called "goo" that causes things to supersize. The pack o'teens' car breaks down in the beginning of the film in small town Hainesville, CA. They walk into town to see what kicks and shenanagins they can get up to. They wind up at the Whiskey a-go-go, and dance (actually, look like they are being electrocuted) to the musical stylings of The Beau Brummels.
Giant ducks enter the club and dance, and the teens try and figure out what the secret is. The move in on the boring couple (the sister of The Genius) and find out about the Goo. They have a show down, steal the Goo. They take up residence in an abandoned theater, and decide to eat it, and see what happens. They all do just that. They grow large, the gratuitous "busting out of their clothes" happens so we can see some boobage, and then proceed to terrorize the natives. They also kidnap the boring girl and the chief of police's daughter.
Genius boy comes up with the antidote, and gets on his bicycle and gasses them all, they all shrink back to normal, get chased out of town and go back to the broken down car. They encounter a team of little people asking about the goo. Knee slapper.
Bonus Feature!!!!
Here's the awesomely wicked (entire!) episode of MST3 featuring Village Of The Giants:
(Yesssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!)
Bonus #2 (Why? Because we like you!!!!!)
Very cool site dedicated to VOTG with cast bios, filming information, and everything else you film dorks love.
Both films were amusing, and right up our alley as far as the cheese factor is concerned.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Friday July 23, 2010
Bimmies and Broomsticks!!!
Featuring "Drop Dead Gorgeous" and "Born Innocent"
The Cheese:
Gorgonzola Dolce
Goat Cheese
Bellavitano Gold cheese
NY Extra sharp white Cheddar
Winey Goat
French Brie
.....the movies....
Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)
Really funny black comedy starring Kirsten Dunst, Kirstie Alley, Denise Richards, Ellen Barkin, Allison Janney, and an absolutely hilarious Brittany Murphy (RIP). It's about a small town pageant (The Mount Roooooose Miss Teeeeeeeen Eeeemeeerican Peeeeaaaaagant) in Minnesota. Backstabbing, killing, and hilarity ensue while all of the contestants and their overzealous mothers battle for the crown. Cheesy all the way, but in a really good way. Definite thumbs up.
...and onto the next..
Born Innocent (1974)
Wow.....just crazy. This 1974 "Teens Behind Bars" TV movie was pretty controversial in it's day. Linda Blair plays 14 year old Christine Parker, a runaway from an abusive home. Since she's underage, kiddie jail is her only option, since her parents no longer want to care for her. It's full of cliches, but pretty raw.....right down to a horrifying scene where Linda gets raped with a broom handle in the communal showers by the other teen girl inmates. Very unsettling....so much so that after it's initial airing, it was completely removed from further broadcasts *shudders*.
Very, very raw, but very realistic. Linda does an awesome job in this one. Bad dialogue and bad hair aside....can't really poke fun at this one!!! Heebie Jeebies for days.
No trailer, but you can watch the whole durn thing on YouTube.
I'll include a suuuuuuuuuuper cheesy video/slide show some sad little emo put together.
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Good, the bad and the (downright) ugly!
Featuring "The Pigkeeper's Daughter" and "The Beach Girls"
The Cheese: (a.k.a. "the good")
(super amazing cheese this week!)
Seal Bay Triple Creme Brie
Red Leicester cheese
Irish Cheddar with Whiskey (crack cheese #2)
Etorki Sheep Milk cheese
Societe Bee Roquefort
Fig Infused Goat cheese
*drools*
...and now, The movies.....
The Pig Keeper's Daughter (1972)
No trailer available, kids...because well?? It was banned by YouTube for being nothing more than soft core porn. This movie was the "ugly" portion of the evening.....low budget to the max with the opening credits being hand painted by a sub-moronic redneck with a can of paint, some loose boards, and a bag of meth as payment. It was a catchy theme song, but once the actual movie started, Mo and I went from laughter to intense mortification in about 30 seconds. Bad, bad, BAD movie.
We gave up when a hillbilly started "nursing" our protagonist (insert shock smiley face)...and then watched our second film...
The Beach Girls (1982)
(The "bad" portion of the evening)
Hilariously bad Malibu beach romp by our friends over at Crown International....it stars 3 bimbos (one being Jeana Keough nee Tomasina of Real Housewives Of Orange County fame) and 2 other dumb broads....one the wholesome girl who goes bad (typical) Hey! let's throw some glasses on some tramp, and presto! She's wholesome! The other, a textbook blonde trollop....named Ginger....Jeana gets saddled with the unfortunate and never explained name of "Ducky".
Sarah, the wholesome one gets the keys to her Uncle Carl's (creeptastic dude that slobbers all over himself and teenage girls) swingin' beach pad for the summer...the other 2 bimbos feign friendship with her to have a beach pad to tear up for the summer.
They know no one nearby to have a party with so they (wait for it....) start calling delivery services!!!! About 700 people show up, tear that bitch UP and the willowy, frail hummingbird Sarah gets her granny panties in a bunch over it.
There's this bizarre subplot that has some drug dealers throwing Hefty bags of garbage overboard their boat. They are filled with "marijuana" that looks suspiciously like peat moss, but when the crazy kids discover it, they decide only one thing...
PARTYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
I could go on with the plot, but it's so cliche and predictable, that you could just fill in the blanks.
Eff the best quotes....
Best scene in the movie:
(starring the gardner vs. the chauffeur!)
LOL!! That was some funny shizz. See the white folk laugh at the silly minorities!!!! Just...wrong!!
Pig Keeper's Daughter? We seriously were contemplating a brain bleaching. It was just....um....NO. Not even for a laugh. If you absolutely must....it's on Netflix "Watch Instantly"....be sure to have a strong bottle of something-something on standby.......
Beach Girls? Meh....silly beach romp that does have some laughs, but never pretends to be anything other than what it is: Boobs, Bimbos, and the Beach.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Yeah.....I know it's not technically Friday, but I got a job, so Cheese and Cheese Saturday it is!
Anyways....
Drugs and discooooooooo Saturdaaaayyyyyy!!!!!
Featuring "Thank God It's Friday" and "The Death Of Richie"
The Menu:
The Cheese:
*Brought to us by our guest and fellow cheeser Cris B. from the Cheese Shop in Studio City:
Etude Goat Cheese
Delicede Triple Cream Bourgogne
Testun Ocelli di Barolo cow/goat
Pecorino Foglie di Noce sheep
Bleu cheese with dark chocolate
Our selection:
Gouda Cheese with Olive Oil
Italian Rustico with lemon
Supreme Brie
Spanish Mahon
English Cheddar with Caramelized Onions (crack cheese)
Asiago with Rosemary and Olive Oil
Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeserific!!!!!!
First we had Thank God It's Friday (1978)
Okay....where does one start with this hot mess of a movie? Dreadful acting by everyone included (there's pre-Berlin Teri Nunn, the chick from Fame, a bunch of other idiots, and Jeff Goldblum), non-existent plotline (yes....it was Skatetown, USA set in a nightclub) dialog that could have only been written under the influence of piles of cocaine, and costume design that would make the most flamboyant of drag queens cringe with embarrassment.
Sure, it had performances by Donna Summer and The Commodores which was it's only saving grace, but what the hell was up with the lame ass "dance" contest and idiotic subplot with Jeff Goldblum (in a role I can goddamnguarantee isn't on his reel) and some soccer mom trying to get it on after her husband loses his mind on a bad acid trip? There's also a cracked-out-of-his-skull DJ who spins in a bizarro bowl/chicken legged/DJ booth contraption. Yes....it's that bad.
The movie goes absolutely nowhere but down, and you're left wondering what the hell you just watched....and why.
Classic Dialog.......
Ken: You know something, what this place reminds me of? Disneyland with tits.
Marv Gomez: Dancing. Everything else is bullshit!
Then we had The Death Of Richie (1977)
Robbie Benson at his most angst-ridden. This movie is based on the true story of Richie Diener (rhymes with weiner!) a New York teen who basically goes batshit, gets messed up on drugs, abuses his family verbally and emotionally, resulting in his father shooting him in so-called "self defense" *cough* bullshit *cough*. Self defense? My ass. His father was a controlling, evil SOB who drove his son to the brink of insanity. Granted, Richie was as insolent as teens come, but shit! He sure didn't deserve to be shot by his own father!
I remember seeing this as a kid, and thinking it was super deep and heavy, man! Buttt....as an adult, I see it as an over acted, melodramatic piece of tripe. Robby B. mugs his way through the movie like a prize Virginia Ham, and makes like Macbeth moping around in his brooding scenes.
They don't have a trailer on YouTube...just the whole durn movie, if you feel so inclined....
Friday, June 25, 2010
Friday June 25, 2010
ROLLERSKATES AND DELINQUENTS, OH MY !!!!!!
Featuring Skatetown USA and Desperate Lives
The Menu:
The Cheese:
Double creme brie
Irish Cheddar with port
English Cheddar with caramelized onions (a.k.a crack cheese)
Chevre with honey (Trader Joe's......awesomeness.....go buy...today!!!)
Italian Rustica Sheep Milk cheese with lemon (wowza!)
Swiss fondue with apples and sourdough.
Homemade (with apples from my next-door neighbor's tree) apple rhubarb pie, and gluten free apple rhubarb crisp with ginger ice cream.
Bottles of Root Cabernet.
and now......the movies.
First we watched Skatetown USA (1979)
With a cast that was regurgitated from the Love Boat and Hollywood Squares, this ensemble boasts everyone from Billy Barty to Ruth Buzzi to a very young, very sassy Patrick Swayze, and a very PERKY post-Brady Bunch Maureen McCormick. OH! And lets not forget Dorothy Stratten, Scott Baio, and Flip Wilson....etc. etc......
This movie had no plot to speak of....it was a mishmash of glitter, disco balls, fluffy hair and rollerskating. We personally preferred Roller Boogie over this hot mess, but did enjoy watching Patrick Swayze do an awesome choreographed skate-number that involved a belt. (Yes!) In his recycled Warriors costume. (Double Yes!)
Awesome Quote:
Stanley: I don't drink soda before I skate....all that sugar messes up the timing!
(can I get a "bitch, please?")
The second movie of the night was a classic After School Special about teens on drugs called "Desperate Lives" (1982)
Classic Line:
We can cop a super rush!
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Where to begin with this ball of ridiculousness? Should I start with the
insanely bad acting of Diana Scarwid? Or shall I start with the cheesy
drugspeak spouted by the entire cast? They refer to marijuana as "Trinidad" (!)
A very young Helen Hunt plays a good girl gone experimental because of her
super foxy new boyfriend. She learns a hard lesson when he makes some
Angel Dust in the school chem lab, and she flies out the window breaking
everything, including her sad little soul.
Her little brother becomes a weird obsession for overzealous school counselor
Diana Scarwid. She makes it her personal mission to get him off drugs. It's
really creepy. The movie drones on, people die, get more immersed into the
drug scene....and a fed the eff up Diana loses her shit and uses the master
locker key to empty all of the (neatly wrapped in Ziploc bags) drugs out of
everyone's lockers onto a rolling dolly cart. Really.
She wheels the contraband into the school holiday assembly (as you do)
and sets fire to it while spewing forth a lame soliloquy about the evils of drugs.
It ends in a standing ovation. (suuuuure...they probably were on a contact high
and just wanted her to shut up).
It was pretty amusing, but awesomely laughable...especially when the Dumbass
Duo of Tricia Cast and Doug McKeon drive over a cliff high on Angel Dust whilst
screaming "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". Complete with fake animated window shattering
effect.
And for further torture.....
The über lame lyrics to the theme song by Rick Springfield. Barf bag not included.
Desperate Lives
What's the problem here
What's the noise
I'm just waiting for the man (yea)
Me and the boys
He's got the goods
We've got the twenties, tens and fives
Everybody's doing it
Living desperate lives (living on the edge)
Desperate lives
I'm stuck in the middle
Desperate lives
My life is a riddle
And I'm sure there's a way out
When I want it
Sometimes I worry
But I'm no fool
I keep it to myself
Cause you gotta stay cool
Desperate lives
I'm stuck in the middle
Desperate lives
Sometimes I feel my life floating away
And times seems so precious
I want to hold you and say
I'm stuck in the middle
Desperate lives
My life is a riddle
Desperate lives
I'm stuck in the middle
I've got this friend you know he's real cool
He gave new meaning to the term high school
Sometimes I worry
But I'm no fool
I keep it to myself
Cause you gotta stay cool
Desperate lives
I'm stuck in the middle
Desperate lives
My life is a riddle
And I'm sure there's a way out
When I want it
Momma just looks confused and my daddy said
I've got this bomb tick, tick, ticking in my head
I'm stuck in the middle
Desperate lives
My life is a riddle
Desperate lives
I'm stuck in the middle
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Friday June 18, 2010
KUNG FOOOO FRIDAY!!!
Featuring Black Belt Jones & Crippled Masters
I mean, how can you lose, right? This had win-win written all over it.
First off...the menu:
Cheese Fondue with granny smith apples and sourdough bread
Cheese Platter (Australian parmesan, double cream gouda, stilton with apricots and ginger, drunken goat, goat cheddar, edam with black truffle)
Sushi Rolls
Tofu spring rolls
2 bottles of Liberte Cabernet, 1 bottle of Root Cabernet
Tofu Veggie spring rolls
...and now the movies:
First, we watched Crippled Masters (1979)
I can't tell you how highly we recommend this movie...it's so very wrong, it's right. We first heard of it on a show called "50 Worst Films Of All Time" and they were clearly on glue when they chose this movie. It was just non-stop action, badly over-dubbed heinous acting, and a dodgy plot. We were enchanted, LOL
Then we watched Black Belt Jones (1974)
awesome quote:
Pinky: Who the fuck hit me?
Black Belt Jones: Batman, muthafucka!
Black Belt Jones: Batman, muthafucka!
Yet another movie discovered from The 50 Worst Films of all time! This movie had mobsters, badass afros, kickass martial arts, and cheesetastic dialogue for days, and hey! Scatman Crothers (why not?) Hell, there's even a scene where Black Belt Jones and his ladyfriend Sydney kick ass and take names in a car wash with soap bubbles flying everywhere.
Both films were awesome sauce, but Crippled Masters was just incredible. I could watch that movie 50 times, and still be in awe of the amazing martial arts preformed by the real-life handicapped duo of Jackie Conn and Frankie Shum.
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